Jokes Alley

A Collection of Jokes I Come Across – Enjoy!

Before marriage…

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage… simply read from bottom to top.

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A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile….Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read :

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached
Date: 16 May 2007

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I’ve just reached and have been check-in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Geography Of Men & Women

The GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like Italy. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war – haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 13 and 80 a man is like the US – ruled by a dick.

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Romantic & Unromantic (My personal favourite =P)

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you’re not.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face.
I wish I were in outer space.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it’s true, I’d prefer you inside out.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in, to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe ‘go to hell.’

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Doing the Wrong Thing

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another” trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong b**** out the window.”

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Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

___________________________________________________

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No-think of another wish.”

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women…. know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment…. know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’…. know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Physical Therapist

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(Three answers most scared by men)

(Whatever)
Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don’t want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face

Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine

Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?

Men: Hmm….. I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?

Women : Whatever..

————————————————-
(Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?

Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn’t watch movie

Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only

Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?

Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?

Men: Then find a café and have drink

Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?

Women: Anything

————————————————-
(You decide)
Men: Then we just go home lo
Women: You decide

Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you

Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don’t want la

Men: Ok we will take Taxi

Women: Not worth it la… for such a short distance

Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk

Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let’s have dinner first
Women: Whatever…

Men: Eat what?

Women: Anyting
(Look around… no one here, gonna kill her….)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Subject: Why British think 80% of M’sians coming to UK to study law?

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I’m here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, i’ve been here for a good twenty years, and I’d say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they’re here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That’s really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I’ll bet he’s here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

” Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. Each one tried his best not to puke.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!”, and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. They will
remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and
by the way Happy Birthday! ” It felt a little better that at least someone
had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You
know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say
we go out to lunch,
just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve
heard all day.
Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful
day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ” Boss, if you
don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Ok,” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake … Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens
of my friends and co-workers,
all singing “Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there… On the couch…

NAKED!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1) Religion
2) Royalty
3) Sex
4) Mystery

The prizewinner wrote:

“My God,” said the queen, “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Memo to All Employees:
In order to ensure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) .

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) .

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T ).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T , you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION ( M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T) . This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T ) .

Thank you.

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S.: Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their lives, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T . I have already had my fill of S.H.I.T.

Thank you for your time!

Sincerely

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Malaysia Today

Chinese VCD peddler: Hello John….you want to buy VCD?

Me: Are these originals?

Chinese VCD peddler: Of course….all original copies mah.

Me: Do you have those….you know….under-the-table type of VDCs?

Chinese VCD peddler: Of course got one mah. You want Japanese, Thai, Mat Salleh….all got one. But no need sell under-the-table. Can sell on top of table mah. See here. You choose.

Me: Oh, but these are blue movies. No, I don’t mean these types of under-the-table VCDs.

Chinese VCD peddler: What type you want then John? You want with horse, dog, many people play at one time, all got one also. Here….you see.

Me: No, I don’t mean that type either. I am talking about Reformasi VCDs.

Chinese VCD peddler: Aiyah! That one cannot sell. Very dangerous. That one police will arrest. Under table also cannot sell one mah.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One of the earliest ever conversations between a woman and a man went like this:

Man: Why are you so beautiful, and so stupid?

Woman: I was made beautiful so you would be attracted to me, and stupid so I would be attracted to you.

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