Thanks to Sinfest, I guess I realised the root to most problems — Myself.
That’s the TL;DR version.
Here comes the wall of text.
This few recent months I’d seen a few people come and go in the firm. Esther, Jon, Laura, Chee Hong, Wei Loong. Natasha is leaving soon as well. Esther’s was the most apparent and sad case. 2 months then left the firm. Chee Hong is one of the longest intern I’d ever knew lol. Wei Loong leaving tomorrow.
I mean it’s a norm that audit firms have high turnover rate and it is expected to see people come and go, like nobody’s business. Definitely, no doubt at all. But sometimes it is a waste when you get attached to them just for a short period and they have to leave already. Best e.g., Wei Loong. He worked with me for a month plus, and now his internship has come to an end. He’s been a great help to the team. Without him, I’d probably long gone within the piles of samplings and minutes that I need to write.
Then I just came back from Laura’s and Wei Loong’s farewell dinner. At first everything seems fine, being fetched by Farah in her Mini Cooper (yes, first time like finally =D), then reached the destination. Cafe something forgot the name. Some Italian chain. Anyway, I was kinda quiet (usual me), and I realised quite a few things:
- How would people interact, and also react when there’s a certain authority around (e.g. Boss)\
- How small clicks are formed on the fly
- The tendency to be in certain clicks
- Spending power
- Seat positioning
But all in all, I realised that I’d been too quiet, and left out. In a way. I felt sad. Lol. Can’t be blamed. Anyhow, I was kinda shy honestly when I shook hands with Laura. It’s like my brain went haywire, to hug or not to hug, what should I say, etc. I’m not that close to her as never really worked with her and she’s Senior Manager for BCM Team, so yeah. =\ But it went well lah in the end. I end up with bloated stomach. Lol.
Sat Farah’s Cooper and she sent us (Lilian, Hon Chien, myself) back home. Throughout the journey, I rarely spoke, only to Hon Chien in a few occasions. Then again I was thinking if I’m quiet I’ll be able to decipher or realise more things. It’s true, to a certain degree. I always believed that it is the cold steel fact. I forgot that life is a living paradox itself.
What that seems to be true, can be false. What that seems to be false, can be true. Simply put, it’s a never ending paradigm shift where one extreme can be applied to the other in another context, vice versa.
I realised that long long time ago, just that didn’t really catch the meaning until recently. I totally forgot about it. So I guess in life, there’s really no right or wrong. Society is fucked. Lol.
But definitely, I’ll miss Wei Loong. He’s my bitching partner, /b/ partner as well. I mean who the hell would write ‘LOL’ as the first word when you come to test your newly-gifted souvenir pen? He did. YES. Ah, our department gave him a PwC pen, while Laura got a Thomas Sabo charm.
These few recent farewells made me think about how’s mine gonna be like. Then I tried to snap out of it as if I am already planning ahead that far to that direction, something must be wrong somewhere. Lol. I mean, I hate auditing, in a way. But doesn’t mean that I’ll like programming work for life. Or sysadmin tasks. Definitely I hate sweeping the floor so that’s out of the question. Point is — I might not like other work that I thought I will like, if not all. So I have to take it with a pinch of salt.
I said I want to master a few things, learn more stuff, be outgoing, and stuff. But I always never realised my sticking point. My current lifestyle, and past. I let my past haunt me, subliminally, subconsciously. Buddha once said, “What we are is the result of what we had thought”. Well blame myself for thinking this way then 😄
This is somehow my routine:
- MUST visit Lowyat.Net, Twitter, Facebook, Sinfest, XKCD, CAD Comic, Bolehland, Gmail
- I just surf online most of the time for fun
- I rarely do programming but I will touch
- I rarely watch drama already since I started working
- I rarely read books
- I rarely pick up on Hangul
- It’s been aeons since I last exercised
- It’s been aeons since I last try to improve communication skills, in real life
- and so forth
See the pattern?
I guess overall, I’d been pessimistic, and too defensive. I can’t really blame myself, or other people. Just so happen that way. The most apparent excuse I will use is being the only child. There’s no one for me, and all on my own. Some might see it’s out of nature to be that way, or some say it’s selfish. Ouch.
Or maybe it is due to past nature where I lost confidence, total confidence in all of my friends. I used to say this to my dad, “The computer makes a better friend than a human being.” Probably that’s why I end up in Computer Science and programming somehow gives me joy. Lol.
I’m not a geek to the core, as there are a lot of stuffs and jargons that I don’t understand. Sometimes I’m torn between sides as if I become a geek, I will really have no life, if not little. Then the other extreme will be a people’s person, always hanging out knowing more people. I call that attention-seeking syndrome. Lol.
But somehow I think I’d been quite attention seeking lately… I mean who doesn’t like to be noticed.
OMG it’s 12:11 am already. .__. Anyhow I guess the best change as of now will be my lifestyle. Then hopefully thinks will go into suit.
For now, I’ll just rest. 😄
Goodnight world. Can’t wait for CNY Hols.