Ok good no one reads my blog =D
Sigh. The hangover effect is still there. I mean the pain on my chest after vomiting. Ugh. It’s been quite some time already since I last felt as such. That was during the Single’s Club clubbing era lol.
Anyway…
I have to admit, this is ‘wrong’ to begin with. I mean, of all people, why would I have a crush on her. She’s like way more matured than me, sophisticated, and all that. And she’s of a higher post compared to me. Of course, rule of thumb, don’t shit where you eat. But still, it happened, I tried to control it, I can’t do anything but to ignore it, and it gotten worse back then till it faded overtime.
Let’s just say that I (or anyone in fact) cannot control how a crush will develop and happen onto oneself. It would not be called a crush if you can control it. I don’t know how it started, but this is how it will end…
Honestly, I think it all started because of pity. I mean like, late nights, coming up with deliverables, performing higher than the call of duty (let me borrow this phrase from the WoW award I received), and cares for everyone, sacrificing oneself in terms of youth, stamina, social life. How could you not feel sad for that person?
I don’t get to be around her as often, my other colleague will be working with her closely most of the time. I was parked under an ex-assistant manager and worked my way up there. Mainly I learned everything that I could from him (he doesn’t teach much but for what’s worth I give him the respect as he deals with work professionally) and mostly self-taught if not from observations. When I get to work with her, I tried the best that I can to absorb the knowledge (though it wasn’t as proficient and hardcore as I was taking her for granted).
The regret came when she told me in the car one fine day after a client’s meeting that she had a bad news to tell me. Co-incidentally she took the wrong junction and went on the road that will lead her home lol. So I cracked a joke saying “So that’s the bad news?” But at the end I got to know that she tendered her resignation and will leave in 3 months time.
Trust me when I say that the 3 months felt like 3 weeks and it went on feeling like 3 days left…
Because of her I realised my self-worth in the jobs I do. I realised my potential even more that I have a solid core in computer security and can make my way through during client’s meetings, conference calls, presentation, and report writing. All of that would not had happened if she didn’t ask me to buckle up to climb from Associate 2 to Associate 1. oF course, being the nature of a Scorpio, programmer, and myself, I’m a god damn lazy person. I couldn’t care less for progression. But when I gave it a thought, I’m still young and all, it’s time to actually strive. I am given the leverage of starting work earlier. After all I sacrificed my childhood friends to leap a year of my studies just to save time and education cost, gotten a scholarship to a University that I would not have dreamed of attending, and to top up all that I entered PwC. I SHOULD be working my ass off. Lol.
However, this is about her, not me. So… yeah.
Then… she have to leave. I broke the vow I set previously when I broke up with my ex.
Vow #1: Will quit rubiks and cards and also performing magic to other people.
Vow #2: To break the first vow if the person I am performing magic to is worthy of the divine intervention
Well I already broke half of the first vow at the first place, I started rubiks again when I joined PwC lol. But yeah, the main one is on the cards and performing again… but I’d decided to break it just for her… it’s worth it I guess. I introduced myself as a part time magician during the first Staff Meeting back then about a year ago… so I figured let’s live up to what I’d said 
That’s why I always insisted of showing her first before ANYONE ELSE in my department, including Darren.
Having that said coming up with a routine when I have no time to practice and my materials are not with me at that time was mind wrecking so I have to give credit to Kevin Chu for helping me with a part of the routine (which was pretty neat and the effect was really mindblowing). Never will I be able to figure out such neat trick with such clean handling as well.
In the end, she’s always busy… can’t blame her on that. Went out for dinner at Leonardo’s at Bangsar and I’d decided after getting tipsy from red wine and the atmosphere of the place was nice (not to forget the table cloth made it perfect for a performance) I’d decided to grow some balls and ‘make it or break it’. She was about to postpone it again until Eddie said it will be better if it’s done today. It’s a go. As Kwang said it when he got to know about it, it’s all “Dutch Courage”. Heh.
Went down, prepared everything that I can on the fly. I was shivering. Hungry, scared, high on wine. I went up, washed my face, and did the best I can. I guess it was worth it. I went down to Ampang late at night to get a new deck and the blanks for her. After the Raya buka puasa meal at Sheraton. =) Hehe.
Showed her Do As I Do in the room when we were about to leave after finishing the Performance Feedback session. It was nice. =P
Then the closer trick with the Wild Joker in the sandwich bag changing into the selected card for the Birthday Girl and Farewell girl. Should have thrown in a few normal tricks first man. But time was limited so I scrap the idea. If not I could have done a simple card transpose and all that then hit all of them with the closure. That’d be mindblowing. But oh well. That turned out nice on video though. I look damn confident with my blazer on. Rofl.
Now… future point is to work on my self esteem and confidence.
So she went for a vacation, came back, and I saw her in the club again. Lol. Zouk.
My heartbeat elated. Honestly, I think last night was the confirmation point. Why? When she leaned her head over my shoulders, I was caught offguard, and my hormones spiked.
It felt as if my prayers were answered. Really. All I wished for (previously) is that at least allow her to rest her head on my shoulders. It happened.
So next time be careful of what you wished for… lol. So moving on…
Held her hand when she came back from the washroom guiding her back to the group… I tell you I don’t know why but it was blissful for me. (Either that or the fact that I had not have a gf for some time or I’m particularly screwed either way).
But yeah I know I know…
She left the firm any way. This is as far as it gets.
I’ll take what I’d learned and strife forward.
If you’ve read up to this point, it’d be a bummer if you don’t know who she is.
I love you. Really. Regardless of how far you will perceive these three words.
This is where it should end.
– eXPeri3nc3
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Edit: When you lose something, that’s when you’ll learn how to appreciate. You gain something when you have to forego things that you would not want to. That’s just how it works.
